Life is Beautiful

finished work at 2 am last night and got home at 3am...and then I had to start working from 11 this morning til 10pm..gosh, think Im gonna dieeeeee. The work itself is quite simple..but because it's too simple, it's literally boring..your mind just wonders around..keep asking myself 'what am I doing here?'..

It doesnst challenge u at all and that's the hardest thing to accept..

Tomorrow, I start late in the afternoon so trying to go to a class..Ive got an audition this sunday and then another one on next saturday..

Steven-my workmate- kept asking me to dance, to show him what contemporary dance is, the other day...the funny thing was that i actually did a little improv. for him..haha, in my black uniform!! silly billy me.

ok, Im off to bed. Bloooooody Tired.

i finished work at 12 last night..i was working at one of liquor bars at Wembley Arena and it was aweeeeeful. started at 5 and didnt get a sinlge break til 11..didnt get to eat anything either..it was Duran Duran's concert and people were buying drinks A LOT...after closing the bar, we had to wait til the cashier puts everything (number of stocks and money from the til) in the computer..and there was something missing or the money wasnt matching...so we had to wait for an hour til the cashier found out what went wrong. I was sooo close to ring up my agent and tell her that I dont wanna work there anymore. cuz today, it was from 11am til 9pm.. thank godness. its 11 30pm now and I did it..I did the 10hour shift. This time i worked at a burger bar. decided to stay away from the til,(had enough of dealing with customers last night) so stayed at the back making burgers..(man, I swear GOD that Id never eat any of those gross fast food hamburgers.) we had a break this time..but were not allowed to go out of the stadium, we were only allowed to stay in the smoky staff room. so I sat outside the room and text people.. I was texting every single person on my phone..thought I was gonna lose my mind. 'boredom' a terrible thing..

while making burgers..it made me think about lotsa things. like I didnt go to University or didnt train in dance for freaking 3yrs just to make burgers..i know im doing it for temporary and I appreciate whatever experience it's giving me at that moment..but Thank you very much, its enough..argghh. It also made me think about those previous generations who immigrated to foreign countries and worked in low-paying jobs just to survive and support their families.. For me, I can choose..I have the luxuary of being able to be picky for my jobs...dont have any debt or loans..dont have any family member that I have to support.. So while complaining about shitty jobs I get to do every now and then, I am still grateful for everything in my life and I know for a fact that I am blessed with love from my family, friends and many other people.

hmm..have no idea whether what I wrote makes sense or not. maybe I should check it later..so tired my brain seems to be running backwards..

oh...got an email from Moo-ji..he must've read my thing..cuz he mentioned about my money situation.
:-) it's alright..money comes and goes. its just the time for money to come to me now~!!! hahaha

G'night!

was such a beautiful day today...did a class at Greenwich in the morning and had a few hours to kill before work..so walked over London bridge then along the Thames and walked back over the tower bridge. I really felt like a tourist..even had a big soft ice cream! should do that more often.

arggghh, forgot what I was gonna write..Im so tired. its 12 30 already. Better get some sleep. I dont think I have a day off til late next week. its good in a way..and as I have something to work for..it makes working bearable. Ive got 2months to make some money and will be off to Wien for Impulz tanz for 3 wks in July..might have to come back for dancer's project at the end of July ..I will find out next week whether Id do it or not.

alrighty, off to bed....zzzzz

funny I feel kinda 'lost' and a bit 'down' (I guess it's the side effect of coming back to grey London after warm-sun-shiny-Wien-dose!) but people tell me that i look 'cheerful' somehow... Well, when Im with people, I try to be cheerful..no need to pass on any low vibes, u know..or, Maybe..maybe I am actually quite OK. and capable of feeling good. it could be my 'imagination' creating that I am feeling tired.

I bought two books today..wasnt in my plan at all and Im having a 'financial crisis?!' due to the sudden expenditure. haha, I checked my balance on my bank account and it said 19 pounds. Still I managed to get some ice cream for my flatmates. I just need to wait til next week..then I will get paid.. will STAY PUT in london til the end of June..saving as much as I can..then will fly away again!

I am back in London now..feels like I was in a deep sleep ...waking up to find out it was all a dream..

It took me almost 12hours to get home from Wien, Austria. I took a train to Salzburg (3 1/2 hours) and the flight to London got delayed..and then there was another 2-hour bus trip from Stansted to London...
I spent most of the time half-sleeping thou. was soooo tired and felt like a zombie. Matt came home at about 12 last night. cuz his flight got delayed. (when I heard that.. i thought, shit..my flight might get that too..and it did!) we talked and talked..til 4 am catching up..then me being a light sleeper, coulnt sleep when it got bright in the morning at about 6am (there is no curtain in the room and has two huge windows) thought Life had to be fair so decided to wake him up 2(who was fast asleep) ..u know its not fair when u cant sleep because of the light and the person next to u sleeps so happily, is it? (well its my Logic and it works in my world..hehe) I interupted his sleeping by talking to him and asking lotsa questions..like..
'I cant sleep cuz its bright already..u're sleeping ok?'
'..i'm used to the light..its ok..but its the 'questions' (that keeps me from sleeping!!!)'
'oh. ok..maybe I should shuddup. but u know..blah blah' :-)

it was lovely seeing him again and hang out even for such a short time..



For the week I stayed in Wien, the weather was just perfect. Warm..u could feel that spring's here and everything just had more 'lively aura' around them. apart from meeting the director of abcdance company, I had a very pleasant time. (he was plainly rude and arrogant..won't write any more cuz once I start writing about what happened..id use too many of unfriendly french terms..like fxck. hehe)

Did classes at TanzQuartier.. met a few dancers I met from last december and even saw Michael..I auditioned for his opera thing in London a few weeks ago. I was watching a dance video when he said Hi..I was like..'hey Ive seen u somewhere?'
'yeah, u auditioned for me, remember in london? what u doing here in Wien?'
'oh, thats right! what are YOU doing here?' (feel like ive done several thousand auditions now..cant remember who is who anymore) he's rehearsing there at the moment and said that I could come and join the company class which I did the next day. Such a small world..and then there is this dance world which is even smaller..
that's one of the reason why people say 'whatever u do..just dont burn bridges' cuz u never know when or where u will see them again..and chances are that u will come across them if u stay in dance world..



Last thursday, Rita invited me for dinner. (I stayed at her place when I visited Wien last december and she became a good friend of mine...she's twice my age and has a son who's older than i am.) it was nice to see her again and i could tell she was also happy to see me. Among many questions she asked..
'so, what's happening with your love life?'
'well, Nothing really..nothing at the moment.' giving her all my excuses..being a dancer..u know..being a gypsy..never really know where I'd move to the next day and so on.. however I did tell her this time thou that I like someone but am just doing nothing about it.
'Does he know that you like him?'
'Probably not......Maybe.'
I just don't know whether I wanna risk the friendship I have with him...
one of my fear would be that I do not want to be his excuse to forget someone else..

I forgot the name of this movie in which Hugh Grant and Kate Winslet starred. In the movie, Kate's character- who's totally heartbroken by the fact that love of her life is engaged to someone else -is questioned by her sister.."Did he actually, did he ever tell you that he loved you?" Kate with tears streaming down her face tells her sister.."well, it was..it was always IMPLIED in every way..but it was Never declared!"

The scene somehow got stuck in my memory. I often do that myself..and that's probly what Im doing at the moment.. With all my acts..I'd imply that I care about him..thou Id never declare..or make it clear about my feelings for him. by doing that..there is nothing concrete..giving him freedom.there is no boundaries..and down the road, he will meet a girl who's brave enough to make that clear boundaries with him and i will be at the back wishing them good luck...practising my mantra 'everything happens for a reason and probly Im not meant to be with him etc' -.-

Alright, that's enough. We do spend most of time thinking about dead past or worrying about unknown future.
'being here and now'...let's focus..right here and right now.
c'mon! :-)

had an absolute ball last night at Bernhart's concert! and today is such a beautiful day in Wien!!! Im in love with Wien..anyhow..people are waiting to use this computer..so cant write any longer..til later!

Im in Wien, Austria now. How wierd it feels to be here again. I was here last december for TanzAtelier Wien audition..and Here I met so many nice people. It feels like Ive travelled back thru the time..

Salzburg was lovely..
after the audition -the audition went well..it got down to 7 dancers at the end and I was one of them..will hear from them in a week..-anyway, after that, Gerlinder's son took me to his brother's flat. He had a 6000 euro Pool table in their lounge! We played it a bit (not that I actually know how to play it well..) and watched this black comedy called 'The meaning of Life'. It was hillarious and the fact that I was thinking of..trying to figure out what it is that my life is telling me about my whole journey, auditions, etc made it more interesting to watch. what a coincidence..what a timing.. It was like, I was asking myself "what is it? why do we live?" and then, right at the moment the title comes up on a TV screen "the meaning of Life"!!

Itself was a bizzaire comedy I felt..

I took a train to Wien from Salzburg..again I found myself sitting in a train listening to Nora Jones..wondering how many flights, trains I will have to take before I actually end up with a contract. :-) Believing in my life force-주인공..모든것을 주인공에게 맏기라-는 한마음 법전의 말씀이 이해가 간다..주인공이 다 알아서 이끌어 주리라..-no point struggling to understand why things are not working out the way I want them to.. It will all make sense as a whole picture oneday..


Im staying at Mat's flat..he's in Brussles now. There isn't a TV (not that I can understand German..) nor a Stereo in his room and it has got a blue light bulb - its not very brrrrrright, I tell ya..it's one of those light u might fine in public toilets in Amsterdam where the lighting is so dark and blue so that people cant find their arteries for drug injection. So in one word? its 'depressing!'

wow. just then I met Godrana! (Im writing this at TanzQuartierWien and this is exactly where I met Matt and Godrana 4months ago!) I tried to contact her last night but my UK mobile didnt really work...and here she is now! such little thing really put smiles on my face. I love it! Bernhart (Mat's flatmate) is a musician and he's having a concert tomorrow night. I will be going there with Godrana tomorrow..yeah!

ok..think there is a que..better get going.


Ciao!

While I was checking out some website last night, found out that there is an audition today..so went along..it was like an open class/audition..the director- aparently he was real BIG in the 80s..- looked unwell, somehow I felt. He was sweating so much and..I dont know..looked he was lost. Half way thru the class, didnt really see the point doing the thing that I just wanted it to finish.. maybe I do need an audition break?! Im reaching a point where Im like.."dont care, just auditioning for the sake of auditioning" stage.

Mat text me this morning asking me to book him a flight to Brazil..apparently its alot cheaper to get a flight from London then from Wien. So went around a couple of travel agencies and bought a return ticket to Rio at 510 pounds. damn..its not me that would be using the ticket..-.-

Im off to Austria tomorrow night..well, it's a saturday morning flight but its too early so Id better go to Stansted and crash the night there.. Im quite tired but the worry makes me even more tired. Am I just wasting my money on flights/on the road..without a clear destination of my life?

I wanted to log onto my internet banking this morning and alas...what was my password? With UK bank, there are so many passwords to remember..there is this login password and then memorable info-password to remember..I mean that's only 2..but the thing was that to set up the internet bank thing, I had to give them numerous password to go through each stage and everytime I had to change the password ..and by the end of it, Id used up all the easy-2-remember-password..
so what now? my internet bank account is on hold. argggh.

went to a clinic nearby to register myself with a local GP this morning. The nurse checked my height, weight, any medical histories that they should know and my blood pressure..my blood pressure came out to be quite low as if it was to confirm how I was feeling...I'm really tired and restless.. yup, that't it. I need to sleep. I'm going to bed now..bye.

went to bed after 2 am last night and had to get up at 7am today to be at work by 8am..i was so tired but the beautiful weather this morning made me feel better. I worked at this Burger bar at Wembley arena. There were 5 of us working there 2day, all from different places incluing Hungary, Ireland, South Africa. The work itself wasn't hard at all. It's just boring, not challenging whatsoever.. the downside of it. we got along well and had a great time, thou we were very tired. All of us there were doing more than 2 jobs and had late night yesterday. I wasnt the only one. (Just realized today that I'm doing 4 different jobs! All casual temping works thou. It is my choice not getting a fulltime job cuz i wanna be flexible with my schedule so that I can go to classes and auditions. I might not be rich for a while (well, let's just say "for a while"...Im hoping to be rich soon u know..in the future..haha) but at least, Im living a life that I believe in rather than life dragging me around.)

anyway, I tried to have fun at work..joked around a bit. Only way to enjoy ur time at work is by having good laughs. After all, life is about 'love' and 'humour' isn't it..sometimes I miss being a dickhead..:-P strange it may sound..but it's great to be a nutter and crack a joke every now and then..or to be with someone who's an absolute clown..interesting how we change our mode? depending on what kind of people, friends we are around. Friends that you can talk about serious matters but still stay 'polite' in a way and then you have friends you can just talk about anything, everything with a total trust, "if they annoy you, then kick their ass" kinda type friends.. ah, I miss them!




The thought of today....when I get older..like 50s or 60s...or even earlier than that..like 40s..when things
are more settled (hopefully) and having done stuff that meant alot to me like dancing etc.. think Id be more interested in sharing what I have, what Ive achieved with others by then..and would definately love to have someone who'd grow old with next to me.. Dancing matters to me the most at the moment, but it shouldn't stop me from experiencing other side of life..like, I tend to ignore or just rule out any possibility of romance or relationships, telling myself 'its not gonna work out' or 'don't wanna waste my emotion as it is hard enough being a dancer(=I tell ya, its a gypsy life!) in europe' etc...and most obvious one 'dont wanna get hurt'... and today I thought..maybe I shouldn't... being too careful is no different from being a coward.. something to think about. :-)

random text

today I got this random text which said "someone has contacted our dating service and entered your phone because they fancy you! To find out who it is, call from a landline 0911xxxx809. Po box 12n146tf150p."

I was like..what??? was really flattered for 3seconds, thou. haha. didnt call the number..I mean..someone must have put the wrong number..and if the person knows my number, why would he go thru a dating service to meet me? its a prank. somebody must've overheard me when I was talking to Mat on the phone the other night. cuz I said jokingly, wonder why no one asks me out for a date? what's wrong with me?! :-)


I worked at the Royal exchange tonight. It was a bit of Posh function with lotsa jewerelly and expensive watches. This girl-her name was..Jodie M-something- with big boobs was there..apparently she's a famous pornstar who's like a rival to Jordan, another UK pornstar with big boobs. There might've been some powerful people there..but who do I know..so, didnt really make any difference to me..

oh, I got to talk to the SD director this morning..good thing that I waited for her outside the studio. She was really nice..giving me great feedback..thou I was one of the strongest..techniq-wise..she needed to see my Persona coming thru..that's why I didnt get a recall... was so helpful to have the feedback. Cuz If she told me that I needed more training, more experience..I was gonna shoot myself! :-P


okie dokie, no more thinking. I need to sleep. g'night.
oh, Matt said he's coming to London soon for a performance at this arty place. cant wait!

Ah, just got an email from Danceweb. Won't be going there in July/August for the festival. arrrggghh. Sigh sigh sigh. maybe it is that my LIFE is AGAINST me.

it is OK....
I believe that things happen.. because I have the capability to deal with them, strength to overcome them.


ok..let's keep going. keep the faith..

and it is alright to cry if I feel like it, in'it. wish I could really cry...but im in a way, way too calm to cry now.



bugger it..