Life is Beautiful

watched a movie called '40days and 40nights' last night. it was about this boy who decides to go without sex,masturbation etc for 40days. it was quite interesting and funny, he went nuts at the end..I wonder whether it would have the same effect on me if Id stay away from chocolate for 40days..hmm. it probly would.

@-----

Im feeling a bit 'unbalanced' today. very tired-mentally, physically, emontionally- thou, Im trying very hard to stay 'alright'...i wanna be inspired..that'd give me some fresh energy..

might go to Ireland for a short while at the end of April to do classes with the dance comapny there. talked to the director today.. she seemed real nice..also, she asked me if I could teach..man, I would LOVE to teach there..cuz that means I can be creative..happiest moments in my life..are when I dance, when I am creative and creating something, and when I see love in people, or "the energy" in people, in nature, in everything...(=some people might call it as 'god', or 'love') ....like ..the other day,i was walking down the street absolutely shattered, feeling totally crap..then I came to see this tree on the sidewalk with full of flower buds that are about to bloom ..it was so beautiful that it felt like,for a split second, something struck a chord in me very hard. Something about its 'life'ness..

Better get some sleep. Got an audition for the Scottish dance theatre tomorrow..
the audition for the Opera today didnt go well..probly why Im so down..Im getting tired of not being the right one that they are looking for. no matter how confident I am as a dancer, rejection is a rejection and u feel rejected. thank godness that I built up my 'invincible'?! confidence:-) over the last 3months while touring/auditioning Europe. ..

shuddup now and go to bed..

I feel so freaking stupid now, I emailed my CVs to some dance companies to see if I could join their company classes and for the possibility of doing a secondment with them..anyway, I printed out my CV (this is after all the emailing's done) and was so annoyed to find out the phone number on my CV was WRONG!
So, I was thinking whether to send them emails all again or just wait to see if they response to my email... I checked all my other documents with my cell. number on them..it was really strange..the last four digits were supposed to be 6879 but they all had 7968. Now I got really confused ....Ive been telling people, emailing people about my number as 6879..it is 6879, isnt it???? then, how come all the documents have it as 7968?? thinking something is very strrrrrrange...i checked my number on the mobile box..(mind u I just bought this thing 2wks ago..) AND! suuuuggggarrr!!! the number on my old document was right! it is 7968...so..im thinking..how many people did I actually tell that my number was 6879?? -.- probly all the new people I met for the past 2wks??? ARGHH.

"why does it always rain on me~! is it because I lied when i was seventeen~~~"

what a looooong day it has been. went to an interview for NI number this morning at 8 30 am..had to get up at 7am and 7am start for saturday is TOUGH...anyway, Im done with it ..so that's good..

I went to Diversions Dance company Open audition at the Place today. There were so many people..I mean, its OPEN so, of course, every single dancer who wanna give it a try would come..the audition itself wasn't run well, I thought, but then again, its their audition and they know who, what kind of dancer they are after. We learnt this simple phrase and had a go twice each and then we had to do it 4 at a time, dancers would stay on the spot, the director and company dancers would discuss for 30 somthing seconds, then will tell u who's staying and who's not. I did my run very early -thought the more I wait, more nervous Id get..just wanted to get it done and over with-but alas, my mind went BLANK, didnt get asked to stay. If I think Ive done as well as I could do and then didnt get to stay, then its fine. it just means that they are looking for something else that I might not have. It's Ok..but like the one then this afternoon, I wasn't happy, didnt feel like I had a fair chance. So I stayed til the end and did it again with the last group. (well, u are not supposed to, but I coudlnt just walk out feeling I havent had a fair chance.) The second time I did, I felt alright. Somehow they seem to know Im doing it second time, but who cares, yeah? Anyway, I didn't get asked to stay this time either and yes, that is totally fine, cuz i felt I did alright and if they couldn't find something they are after in me, it's only fair that they say No.

However, feeling disappointed that I'm not what they are looking for, (it doesn't mean that I am not a bad dancer or anything, I know I am a good dancer and know what I can do, what I am worth..but the anooying brutal truth is... you Still FEEL Freaking SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTT!!! ) walked to the tube station just to find out Jublee line is Closed, not even Delays..its CLOSED! alright, life is against me,huh.

anyway I came home by bus and lovely dinner was waiting for me - what a bless that I dont have to cook- and as we do all the time, we picked up a card to see who's the unlucky one to do the dishes tonight. (there are quite a few people living here and each person picks up a card from a pack of poker cards at the end of dinner..and the person who has the lowest number gets the honour of doing the dishes.) AND as my LIFE is AGAINST ME, I was the one with the lowest card, clover #2. -.- could it get any worse? :-P

I feel much better now, thou. ..you just have to believe in yourself..well, I believe in myself and that my life will take care of me..my life will take me wherever I need to go..(man, this has become my MANTRA since I left home..but it works. it anchors me emotionally and soothes my mind..) when you have freedom in your mind, or space, leeway-whatever u wanna call them- in your heart, nothing can be so serious you cannot deal with. All you gotta do is just to step aside and look at things AS THEY ARE. When I got out of The Place, I felt so shitty, didnt know what to do. How I longed for a simple hug. nothing more. just simple heart-squeezing warm hug...
I rang Mat,must be back in Wien by now.. wanted talk to him so I could get the thing outta my mind. but he's not answering his phone..oh well...maybe its not a good idea to talk to him then..i tend to call him whenever I feel down.. maybe I shouldn't...sometimes I feel it's lucky that Im here by myself..no one gets harrassed or hassled by me just because Im having a bad-hair day, right? haha..

alrighty, too much talking. I might go and use the guest membership at the Canada Water Sports centre tomorrow. Someone gave it to me a while ago but havent had a chance to go..maybe I will go there tomorrow and burn off some FAT .....arrrgggghh!

oh, one more thing..random thought that came up in my head while chatting downstairs..we were watching this movie and the guy in the movie was so handsome with a gorgeous body..so, Sin-gil bro goes "life is unfair, look at him..Perfect! God must've forgotten to give out things equally..Look, I think my head is Big, he forgot to give me the body that matches my head proportion-wise!" (I couldnt help but laughing at that point..i mean, sorry but he does have a big head!) anyway I said to him, "no no no Life might not seem Fair..I think, however, God gave each of us the Capacity to be able to Appreciate what we've got...whether or not you appreciate for what you got..is your choice as it is your free will." I was just making a point but as the words were coming out of my mouth, I realized i was telling myself..it applies to me 2!

Ah, I can smile now. small things like that make me happy...make me feel grateful ... random thoughts..that open my eyes to see things in life I havent been able to see be4 or things I simply refused to see..
life is beautiful.

shiiiiiiit, just got an email from JA that I won't be working with him for his May project. dammnnnnn.

However, I also got an email from Or that he's got a contract with this male ballet company and will be moving to NY in 2wks time. gee, Im so happy for him and very proud..I met him in Graz, Austria while we were auditioning for this company..we both stayed til the end but didnt land with a contract at the end. after that, I met him and another friend, Yael in Holland for couple more auditions and became a good friend with them..really lovely people from Israel.. He was so down when he found out that he didnt get the thing with the austrian company and I told him that it means his place simply lays somewhere else..and now he found it!! it's so cool and i am truly happy for him..

Today I need someone to tell me that my place lays somewhere else...I just sent Yael an email to see how she is doing. She's a lovely dancer and I hope she will find her place soon too...sometimes it helps to forget your own troubles when you help others to get through their own problems..

hope oneday we will be able to get together and have a good time looking back at our time- the auditions, the struggles and the emotion we go thru each stage.. :-) wouldnt' it be great..

feel like Im turning into a massive fat donut! I wasnt feeling well so I stayed in bed til 10am..then checked my email and rang the goverment something to get an appointment for my national security number. When i get the NI number and get myself a GP..then I can finally say that I am a 'human being' living OFFICIALLY in London.. it's almost taking 2months to get those things- finding a place, finding work, bank account, NI number etc.. I am getting used to the way people work or deal with customers here in London..dont think its just me feeling the cold tone of their voice, attitudes..it doesn't really bother me much now, thou ..rather, it makes me want to be nicer, kinder to others cuz i know there is no reason to create unnecessary stress, tension.. is this a sign of me getting older or what? let's say it's the sign of 'getting mature'..getting wiser.. :-) (shiiit, whatever I call it..Im getting Ooooold. haha)

Gee, had a look around other blogs and wow..how well it was all presented.. how well designed and all. wish I could do that too..would be really cool! thou, this is enough.

being Simple.

I remember the story from a book written by a korean monk..he had a pen that he really liked. It was given to him by someone as a souvenir from Europe. he writes alot so he would always use the pen whenever inspiration got him to write something..oneday, he visited this country (think it was France...or some country in Europe) and found the same pen at a shop. So he bought the pen. When he came back, he had 2 pens..same one but now 2. Suddenly he realized that he created unnecessary waves in his mind by having the two same pens. so he gave the new one to someone else and found himself satisfied again with the one he used to have. He was saying that when u really care about something, if u keep it more than one when you actually need only one, u lose the love,heart, caring-whatever u call it- even for the one u had.

gee, does anyone actually understand this story? quite hard to translate the story into English...
well, what i was trying to say is... I should be happy about what I have..this blog thing.. cuz this is what I need..simply being able to write and keep them online..without having to compare mine with other well-designed-blogs. so, don't need to get greeeedy.

got an email from Mat today. I emailed and sent him a few text messages quite a while ago and didnt get a reply so I was wondering what had happened to him..cuz normally he would write me back.. he said that his phone got cut off and thats why he couldn't sms me.. and that I must think him a bastard. haha, did someone tell him that already?? :-) I did wonder why he wouldnt reply to me..thought it might be his cellphone being funny (cuz when he was in London, I remember him talking about getting a new cellphone as the one he's using is not working well.) however, I had to admit that I was confused in a way. I couldnt find any reason why he wouldnt be in touch with me. silly me.

I thought about the book 'unbearable lightness of being'...such little things can make us happy and sad..hmm...

cant believe the audition today..ive been to some dodgy ones..but this one was by farrrrr the weiredest! or..I just found it hard to believe that they advertized for dancers with minimum 3yrs PROFESSIONAL DANCE EXPERIENCE! gosh, I thought I should teach them the basic dance techniques first.. Im not trying to be rude or arrogant (but it does sound like it doesnt it) ..anyway, the warm up was like for 10minutes and then they taught us this diagonal steps..as soon as I saw the-supposed to be director?! actually doing the step, my god. this is a joke. after the short class, there was a recall and I did get a recall somehow-.- Met Rain there who I went to the School of Dance with a couple of years ago. think she felt the same..she was saying 'its hard to take this seriously eh' yes I agreeeeeee. so I left before the next call and just told them that I had to go to work. errrrhhh feeling shitty. just wanted to do a good/proper class!

got an email from Royal Opera for their audition next week. wow..Ive got 4 auditions within the next 2wks. Its bloody time that I had a job!!!!!!! ARGGGHHH. I really hope that I will get the project with J. A. He reminds me a D. Belton so much. okie dokie, gotta run now. Im hungry again, what's wrong with me???

wow its gonna take a while for me to actually get used to use this web-blogging thing... to actually master all the tools there are..but seems like a good fun!yeah!
Only if I knew about this before I left New Zealand..then I couldve kept my whole journey on line!! damn.

the audition went well today.arghhhh Im feeling a bit tired. think Im getting a cold or something..

I cant handle smoking. I guess its a personal choice whether to smoke or not. but when someone who's next to you smokes, you dont have a choice but to inhale it. YUCK. I hate it with passion!!!
Im getting such a good deal with my room in this house..like no one will actually beat the deal Im getting here...considering the average rents and the living conditions in LONDON.. Im happy with people who im living with..such a nice bunch of people. Only thing is that they smoke in kitchen and my room is right next to the kitchen..and they leave the cigarette buds in a little jar and naturally it just STINKS. Sometimes guests smoke in the living room and that makes me really angry. the owner (who's giving me such a good deal) is a smoker, hence no point argueing with him. -.-

alright, Im so dame hungry..better get going.

wow..Ive been thinking of doing this but didnt know how to..now I found this website..I can actually have my on-line diary!! how cool is that! there are times I just wanna blab just about anything, everything and I think this will give me the space to do it..coooooool!

ok..its 9 am now..better get going.